


Maybe he could be perfect

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anorexia, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Angst, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Needs a Hug, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24382039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: So Remus is a anorexic who cuts himself.  =}
Comments: 7
Kudos: 106





	Maybe he could be perfect

Remus wasn't ok, but by god if he'd ever tell anyone about it. He was supposed to be okay. He's Thomas's intrusive thoughts. He's scary, he's wrong, he's what people see in their darkest nightmares, he's rotten and he knows it and he used to be ok with it. He used to be actually fine with being a stinky trash demon, a rat, a intruder. With being disgusting, revolting, gross, something you'd never want to be with.

He used to pride himself on it.

What happened? Why couldn't he have stayed happily oblivious to his disgraceful actions? Why'd the cruel, heartless, uncaring truth have to come out from it's place buried deep within his heart? And why did it bother him so much? 

Well obviously he needed to do something about it. So, what'd he do, you might ask? He couldn't control how intrusive his thoughts were, or how often he spoke on them. Remus couldn't help it -- he was Intrusive thoughts, he spoke without thinking, he annoyed everyone by just being himself, he made crude jokes, he thought the saddest and scariest things were the fucking funniest shit ever, he shouted random and disgusting facts or ideas, he made everyone uncomfortable, and he couldn't stop himself. He just couldn't. 

He needed something to control. He needed something he could do that he'd be completely and totally in control of. He needed a way to ease all his emotional or mental bullshit. And what can do all those things? Selfharm -- more specifically, cutting. Oh, but that's not nearly enough, so add an eating disorder to the list. 

Remus could control how deep he cut into his skin, control where he does it, control when and how often he does it. Was it difficult to restraint from cutting each and every minute, 24/7? Yes. But Remus did, and he succeeded most of the time, though there was a good amount of times that he gave in. It was like, 30% control and 60% giving in to the urges. He decided that it wasn't quite enough for him -- that's not a good percentage of non-control. 

So he starved himself. He starved himself because it gave him control, he could actually control how much he ate and how often he puked up what he did eat (he ate so as not to alarm Janus, he didn't know why he cared but Remus felt as though he would, even if Janus was hardly around now -- he got accepted by the Lights but still tried to be around Remus, not wanting to be a repeat of Virgil).

He hated that he cut himself.

His ideas and goals changed from needing a form of control to wanting to be as perfect as he could in at least one aspect. After all, he didn't think of them like disorders, just coping mechanisms. And even if they were disorders, Remus was a disorder too so who would he be to leave a fellow disorder in the dust? He wasn't _Virgil._

Remus couldn't fix himself in any other way, so he tried to make himself skinny and presentable and good and nice and maybe -- just maybe, he could be somewhat accepted by the Light Sides, the great, perfect, pure Light Sides. Remus wanted to be welcomed, liked, and, dare he say it, loved.

Maybe being thin could help him not gross out Patton. Maybe it could make Logan want to talk to him about his intrusive questions. Maybe it could persuade Roman to be civil around him, to talked with him like the brothers they technically were.

Maybe it could have Virgil be friends with him again. Ok, now, Remus knew those were stupid and far-fetched reasons.. but.. but maybe it could happen.

Nothing was out of the league of possiblity. Except, of course, being accepted. He could try -- but it just wouldn't happen. The dark part of Creativity, intrusive thoughts, couldn't and shouldn't be welcomed into the Light. Shouldn't be a good thing. He's not a good thing, he'll try, it wouldn't do shit, he's a piece of shit, no one likes him even though he tries. He cuts himself, he starves himself, he does everything he can think of doing to be better, but nothing's changed.

He hasn't changed. Despite all his work, his restricting and his purging, his selfharm, all of him. Not enough. It's not fucking enough and Remus doesn't know what to do to change it so he's just left to wallow in his own pity. Throwing himself a pathetic pity party all by himself for himself. 

He just had to keep going, keep working hard and maybe he'd be accepted.

Maybe he could be better.

Maybe he could become more like his brother.

Maybe he could be nicer.

Maybe he could be friends with Patton instead of grossing him out, maybe he could hang out with Logan and have him answer Remus' intrusive questions with science and logic, maybe he could talk to Roman without getting a sword pulled in him or at least being civil with each other (maybe he could even rebuild their brothership ((?)) ), maybe he could talk to Virgil again and be just like they used to. He knows he's already said it -- but it's a big reason as to why he's doing what he's doing. 

Maybe.

Just maybe, if he tried, worked hard and never rested or slowed down, then maybe he'd be okay. Maybe he'd even be perfect. 

He'd be perfect if he tried. 

He'd be perfect.


End file.
